You just made me feel so damn special
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
