Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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