Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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