I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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