I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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