I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
