"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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