Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
