I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
