you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Randomize
