Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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