Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
