i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
