you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
