so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
