i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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