doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
