I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Houston, we have a squirter
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
