I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
