There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
