I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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