God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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