I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
