So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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