Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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