I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
