really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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