My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
