So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
smell my finger.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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