So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
