So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
