she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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