Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
