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I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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