is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
