why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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