you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
