I'm going to rape someone's good day.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
