You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
