i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
