So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
