how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
