Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
