I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
