All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
