Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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