i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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