We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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