I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The ass gains better be worth it
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