she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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